


Journal: Year Two

by Aria_Lerendeair



Series: Journals [2]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: M/M, Moriarty Network Breaking Down, Post-Reichenbach, Sherlock fighting for John
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-19
Updated: 2012-06-12
Packaged: 2017-11-05 16:04:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 6,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/408359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aria_Lerendeair/pseuds/Aria_Lerendeair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock has already spent one year tracking down the Moriarty network and John's sniper, but has not accomplished what he has set out to do yet.  This is the second year.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. January

**Author's Note:**

> Here is Year Two! It gets a lot darker and much more feelsy. Instead of just notes on what he is doing and where he is, you start to get more of a look into his heart and Sherlock himself. This was something I truly had a lot of fun writing.

January 1st

_Happy New Year John._

_New Years, new beginnings._

_I have resolved to be patient with France. Genevieve had a weakness. Persephone does not. Not yet._

_I will discover one. Everyone has one._

_Even me._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January 6th

_I never told you today was my birthday, did I?_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January 7th 

_Perhaps I shall go to the middle east. Nothing has happened for three months. They are all relaxing their guard._

_Remaining Pieces of Network:  
-Switzerland  
-France (Finished - See January 23rd Notation)  
-Portugal (Finished - See January 27th Notation)  
-Ireland (Untouchable - See May 28th Notation)  
-England  
-The middle east (Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan and Kuwait.) (Unfinished but in progress - See August 25th Notation)  
-The United States (LA, Washington, Atlanta)  
-Russia (Reports unconfirmed as to whether Russian contingent is active and remains so. It was falling apart while Moriarty was alive. Needs further investigation.) (Reports confirmed, finished - See May 9th Notation)_

_When I look at this list I see how much there is still to do. Bringing down the Moriarty network was never going to be easy._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January 10th

_I have remained in France for the time being. Attempting to be patient. Mycroft would be proud._

_I must find Persephone's weakness._

_She is an observer. Like me._

_If she falls, France falls._

 

_  
_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January 14th 

_The one year anniversary of my jump._

_I know you are at the graveyard John._

_Making promises._

_My name is cleared thanks to you and Lestrade._

_Keep living._

_For all that I worry about Mrs. Hudson and Lestrade...you are the one I fear for most. They know you are the most important and will not hesitate to use you against me._

_Stay safe._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January 15th

_The one year anniversary of starting this journal._

_Called Molly.  Thanked her for the journal.  She was surprised I remembered, let alone used it.  Mentioned this one would run out of space eventually.  Suspect she will be getting me a second one._

_Looked back over entries from previous year.  Additional resolution.  Write in more detail.  I must make you understand._

_Called Mycroft.  Told him I am staying in France for the time being._

_I miss Malachi._

_I miss you, John._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January 18th

_I have discovered how I can bring down Persephone.  It will not be easy.  She will have to be destroyed by her own network.  It will be a complicated thing to bring about._

_She observes more often than she takes action.  Smart, cautious.  But for men who crave action, especially those in her command, she looks indecisive and weak.  She combats this by ensuring any word said against her is punished, but she cannot punish the whispers I have started through the lower ranks._

_She does not know where they come from.  It will be slow, but I finally feel as though I am doing something._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January 23rd

_There was an attempt on Persephone’s life._

_It failed, but she was shot.  She is not able to take control and has been hospitalized._

_I wish I had been the one to pull the trigger._

_The French network will fall on its own now without her there to control it.  They will overreach themselves and fall._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January 27th

_With the fall of France, Portugal will not be far behind.  Mycroft assures me that he has set in motion the necessary financial losses that will cripple the network and yet leave the economy in a position where it will recover._

_I am glad.  For all that I wish Moriarty and his network destroyed, destroying the financial system of a country was not my preferred way to go about it._

_I go to Switzerland next.  I must find out what banks their money goes through before it ends up in legitimate avenues we cannot track._


	2. February

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Switzerland we go!

 

**February 3rd**

_Switzerland is cold this time of year._

_Is it cold in London?_

_You would laugh but I miss my jacket and scarf.  I’ve left them behind - they were far too easily identifiable, but I miss them nonetheless._

 

 

 

 

 

**February 7th**

_I shall be here for an extended period of time it appears._

_Perhaps as long as France._

_Perhaps longer.  There is a reason the world’s rich store their money in Swiss banks.  Their security is unparalleled._

 

 

 

 

 

**February 10th**

_I have moved into a two-bedroom flat.  It is almost as large as Baker Street._

_I am able to take over the second bedroom for my research._

_I see the pattern and cannot track it._

_All the money has a pre-determined path.  (See previous entry on the subject.)_

_Each network has their own path it follows.  Different money from different sources go through different routes.  Attempting to track them all._

_Sometimes they overlap, most of the time they do not._

 

 

 

 

 

**February 14th**

_Molly told me you brought a woman to the lab today.  Said she was sweet and very nice.  Told me that you had smiled and laughed and seemed happy._

_I am happy for you John._

_You deserve to be happy._

_I shall hope that she is more intelligent than Juliet was._

_Do stay away from Kensington this time of year.  I’m not there to protect you._

 

 

 

 

 

**February 16th**

_Switzerland will require subtler methods.  Similar to France._

_I shall not be able to infiltrate any bank here._

_But perhaps through association I can influence._

_I have my suspicions on which banks I need to investigate._

_Now I need only study the people who control the inner workings and find someone who can give me the information I require._

 

 

 

 

 

**February 24th**

_I have changed my sphere of focus.  I will narrow down your list of potential snipers.  As networks fall and bodies are identified, slowly, your list grows smaller and smaller._

_I wonder if you know any of these men.  A man who would kill you without a second thought._

_A man who is strong enough to hold together large parts of the Moriarty network while ensuring that you are always guarded._

 

 

 

 

 

**February 28th**

_I wish I could contact you.  Tell you I was alive._

_I know you will not believe me when I see you again._

_I wanted to tell you.  That it was all a fake._

_Take you away on this grand adventure with me, help me track down the network._

_I know you would have done it._

_Had there not been a sniper trained on you the day I fell, I would have.  I would have taken you with me on this mad adventure._

_I told you the only way I could.  It was all a magic trick._

_Please stay safe._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for being patient with me, I'm so sorry for the delay, so you get three chapters in one go!! :)


	3. March

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Attacking in Switzerland...

  
March 3rd

_I have met the first banker I will be able to use.  He is a weak man with money troubles.  He has access to the information I need._

_I do not yet know how I will get him to trust me.  He requires more investigation._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 7th

_It is done._

_The first bank has been confirmed._

_Joseph was weak.  Fool._

_Mycroft will now be able to track incoming deposits.  We have one lifeline to their vast monetary network._

_My research showed there were up to four banks that controlled most of the routing.  That leaves three to go._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 12th

_I dreamt of you again last night._

_You were here in my flat in Switzerland._

_You looked at the map I had on the wall, strings representing the different money routes and traced them with your fingers._

_The smile you had on is my favorite of yours.  The one where you are just stunned at what I have managed to put together._

_You turned and smiled at me.  You didn’t say anything.  (When did I last hear the sound of your voice?  Has it really been more than a year?)_

_I tried to walk closer to you, but I was frozen in place._

_Your smile turned to a frown.  The recognition in your eyes died._

_You turned and walked to the window.  You stood on the ledge._

_I shouted for you, for you to stop, not to do it._

_You spread your arms and fell._

_I woke up._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 16th

_Mycroft told me her name.  The woman you are seeing.  Her name is Mary Morstan.  He told me what I needed to know without me asking._

_She comes from a good family.  She has no hidden skeletons.  She wants children._

_She makes you laugh and smile.  You are happy with her._

_You are moving on at last._

_I told you I was not your life._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 19th

_I am beginning to understand why people write in journals.  There is a sense of freedom in writing your thoughts of the moment down for others to read and understand._

_If you ever read this, would you understand that I am doing this for you?_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 24th

_Female banker of another bank I must gain access to has professed a romantic attachment to me._

_We have met only twice.  Is this enough to form such an attachment?  She does not know me.  She thinks my name is John, that I have red hair and brown eyes._

_I will use her as I used Joseph Houghton._

_Do you think me ruthless for resorting to these methods?_

_I am sure you would._

_It is all transport._

_It does not matter as long as you are safe._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 31st

_Happy Birthday John._

_You thought I had forgotten, didn’t you?_

_I forgot last year.  The happenings in Sweden distracted me.  I am sorry._

_You did not visit the graveyard today._

_You spent it with Mary._

_This saddens me, but you are doing as I told you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the second of three chapters that I owe you. Once again, I'm so sorry for the delay guys! :) 
> 
> I hope you are enjoying the story so far, and please don't hesitate to leave a comment or criticism if you get a chance!


	4. April

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the road again, back to Ireland.

 

**April 3rd**

_The second bank has been identified._

_Joseph Houghton and Penelope Winslow are both dead._

_I was not as careful to cover my tracks electronically it seems.  They were discovered._

_Their liaisons with me may be discovered._

_I must leave Switzerland._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**April 8th**

_With two banks identified, the money will not flow as quickly into government municipalities.  It will be trackable.  Mycroft is pleased with my efforts.  The entire network will now feel the strain._

_It has been a year since I was home._

_Ireland is next._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**April 12th**

_Your list is down to under one hundred people._

_Ninety-seven to be exact._

_I have the names memorized now._

_It is far too long to put in here still._

_Ireland promises to shorten the list further._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**April 15th**

_Travel by train is tedious yet necessary.  Airports have too much security and I am easily spotted by someone who may be looking for me._

_I am bored._

_The two women sitting next to me have done nothing but complain about their husbands for the past hour._

_They are contemplating an affair with each other._

_Clearly it will happen when they reach their destination._

_The child across the aisle has popped his gum sixty seven times in the past hour.  His parents are taking him to boarding school.  They both appear disinterested in him, they have not looked up from their phones._

_Only you can break up this sort of tedium._

_I miss you more than ever._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**April 16th**

_I bought four seats to have a compartment to myself.  Mycroft will be annoyed at the expense._

_Have I ever explained how I narrow down your list?_

_I can remember every entry I have written so I know I have not.  The list is folded into the back of this notebook until it becomes short enough to write here._

_There are two ways I remove suspects from your list._

_1) I remove them.  I have eliminated the suspect by seeing them in another country for an extended period of time.  If this is the case, they are clearly not your sniper.  He would need to be ready to kill you at a moment’s notice if necessary.  Also, none of them have shown the ability to run the monster that is Moriarty’s network._

_2) They are removed for me.  They are dead.  Whether they were killed by me, another network member, or died of natural causes is not important.  They are no longer a potential threat to you and may be removed from this list._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**April 20th**

_I have arrived in Ireland._

_The suspicion of the past year is gone._

_Genevieve’s death has not had lasting effects here._

_Moriarty laid out the plans well for Ireland.  Corrupt government officials at every possible level._

_Mycroft warns me to trust no one in Ireland._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**April 24th**

_There are only five people in the world I trust._

_Two are because I must._

_Another two are because they have earned it._

_The last is because they trusted me first without knowing me.  They took a chance on me.  They never looked back after taking that chance.  For that, they will always have my trust and respect._

_You know that, don’t you?_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**April 29th**

_Ireland is difficult to describe in regards to the network._

_Everyone is suspicious.  Even fellow network members._

_Yet for all of that suspicion, they are a group that shows no weaknesses to the outside._

_I have to wonder who is keeping this network together.  If anyone._

_I feel Moriarty’s presence here more than anywhere else in the world so far. **  
**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made the decision to having Mary introduced into the story a long time back. It has a reason and a purpose. At the end of the day, this remains a Johnlock story and always will be. 
> 
> All I can ask is that you keep reading, comment if you like, critisize if you like and enjoy all of it! :) 
> 
> Thank you so much!


	5. May

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock's thoughts start to go in a familiar downward spiral...

 

May 1st

_Mary has moved in with you._

_I am happy for you.  (Crossed out)_

_You will never move back into Baker Street now._

_Will you marry her?_

_I suspect, even if I came back, you would still move in with her._

_Are you still limping?_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

May 5th

_I have discovered today that Persephone was Jim’s older sister and Genevieve his younger.  No other family survives._

_Persephone is still alive, even as France begins to tear itself apart.  It has split into four factions, no longer held together by her._

_Its power is substantially decreased.  Ireland is feeling the shockwaves of that loss._

_Who is the man holding the network together?_

_Who is your sniper?_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

May 9th

_Russia may be removed from the list._

_They were never any threat.  Confirmation of that today from Mycroft._

_I feel nothing but relief.  My Russian is extremely poor._

_Mycroft had the “knack” for languages.  I only know six fluently.  He knows twenty or so._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

May 15th

_Moriarty was smart in Ireland._

_In a smaller country, it is easier to keep a close-knit group._

_If everyone has some small benefit from the network, they are inclined to protect it and keep that benefit._

_I am not fighting the network, I am fighting the country._

_The task feels impossible._

_I must be patient._

_I must think of how long France took._

_Ireland will fall._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

May 19th

_I constantly think of you and what you are doing._

_This is not conducive to my investigation._

_You are working at the clinic.  You come home, eat dinner and watch bad telly with Mary.  You make her tea._

_I miss watching bad telly._

_I miss spoiling the endings of those crime shows you watch._

_Mary never spoils them for you._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

May 25th

_Playing the observer has allowed me to knock your list down from ninety seven to seventy four.  It is a substantial decrease.  Many of the men are here._

_They are parts of various operations.  Few of them are well-hidden.  They are secrets kept out loud, everyone knowing them, no one mentioning them._

_They are not your snipers.  None of them are running the network here._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

May 28th

_There is no head here._

_Genius._

_I am once again the fool for underestimating James Moriarty.  Ireland, with its small and loyal factions could run on its own for decades.  With no set leader, it is much harder to topple._

_He must have built this from the ground up.  
I am not sure I can bring it down.   _

_I will find a way. I must. For you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember that entry a couple of chapters ago that had all the notations referencing future dates? We hit at least one in this chapter with a few more to come. They're all accurate. I filled them in as I wrote them. 
> 
> This chapter is probably the most telling of the series. It starts the second "half" for lack of a better way to describe it. Sherlock becomes far more introspective of his own actions. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and commenting! I appreciate any comments or criticism!


	6. June

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> June marks the halfway point into year two.

 

 

 

June 3rd

_Mycroft has warned me there may not be a way to bring down Ireland.  That I need to give up my campaign._

_Perhaps he is right.  Perhaps there is not a concrete way forward.  Perhaps I would have more success in the middle east or even in america again.  There is no reason for me to stay in Ireland._

_I am torn.  I feel lost and unfocused._

_I cannot concentrate._

_My thoughts flicker at the very edge of my subconscious where I cannot see them._

_Why?_

_This isn’t like me._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

June 10th

_I have left Ireland.  There is nothing for me here.  The network will fail for reasons other than those I am able to affect._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

June 12th

_I am in England._

_Have remained in the country._

_Mycroft knows I am here._

_Have not slept._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

June 14th

_It is right in front of my eyes and I cannot see it._

_The pattern, all of it._

_It’s right there.  I cannot see it._

_Still have not slept._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

June 17th

_Mycroft is worried.  I have taken over his study.  I needed more room._

_Somehow, Moriarty’s money is still getting through._

_I do not know how._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

June 19th

_HOW IS IT DONE!_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

June 23rd

_Crashed.  Slept for two days._

_Mycroft still worried._

_Told him to piss off and he cheered up a bit._

_He tried to tell me about you._

_I left the room._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

June 25th

_Mycroft is trying to pull me away from work, to get me to do anything else._

_Fool._

_There is nothing else.  There is only this._

_Only this._

_So you can be free._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

June 28th

_Tore down all of my work in the study._

_Starting over._

_From the beginning._

_Mycroft tells me to look at how far I have come._

_I see only the journey that I have not finished._

_I will finish it._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

June 30th

_I have moved my work into my bedroom._

_I can work from here without distraction._

_Distractions will keep me from finding an answer._

_It is all transport._

_I must find an answer._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter really marks the turning point for the second half of the "Journals" series. Because you see the darker and deeper side of Sherlock come out. The one that has his moods and the side of Sherlock that existed without John there to temper him. 
> 
> This was much harder to write and the next chapter (sorry to give a tiny spoiler) really wrote my heart to break. These two are probably my favorites out of the three years.


	7. July

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock and his emotional responses.

 

 

 

July 5th

_I am lucky that Mycroft recognized the dangerous spiral that almost led to my relapse.  An addictive personality is never fully cured.  It only finds other things to be addicted to.  This is true for me._

_I was (past-tense, remains past) addicted to cocaine.  Have tried heroin and numerous other stimulants._

_I was (past-tense, hopefully will be, back to future tense) addicted to cases.  To the chase.  To solving something no one but I could figure out.  That rush.  Drugs cannot compete with it._

_I am (present tense, hope to be past tense) addicted to finding and destroying the Moriarty network.  It is a dangerous addiction.  Especially when I have made no progress recently and feel stagnated._

_You are still alive.  If nothing else, I have accomplished that._

_I must remember that when everything else becomes impossible to think about._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

July 8th

_I have started over.  I am still in England.  Mycroft is still worried I might relapse.  It is possible.  I have not been eating or sleeping properly.  I have lost weight.  (To think, I accused you of doing the same without even looking at myself.)  My hair is much longer than I prefer it._

_He is right.  I need time to recuperate.  Something triggered this spiral.  I must discover what it is and make sure it does not happen again.  I will read back through my entries starting from this year._

_I will catalogue anything that triggers an emotional response in me and attempt to detail what that response is._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

July 13th

_The results are frightening.  I don’t know what they mean._

_Triggers:  
-Persephone still alive  
  
-You dating Mary_

_-Wishing I could contact you_

_-Five people I trust_

_-Mary moving in with you_

_Reactions:  
-Initial reaction - Fear.  She could still bring harm to you.  Give the order to have you killed.  Must assume she is as fanatic as Genevieve in her desire for me to be destroyed.  To “burn the heart out of me”.  _

_-Initial reaction - Sadness/Happiness.  I am sad that you have moved on, though I knew you could not mourn me forever.  I demanded you to move on with your life.  Of course that meant finding someone to spend your life with.  I am happy you have found someone who deserves you.  I certainly never deserved your friendship._

_-Initial reaction - Emotional response lacks appropriate definition.  Closest I can approach is longing.  The desire to have brought you with me.  It hurts that I could not.  (Add hurt to attempt to describe this emotion.)_

_-Initial reaction - Two people I trust out of necessity: Molly and Mycroft.  Their help in my deception.  Without them it would not have been possible to fool you.  Emotion tied to this - Grudging respect.  In keeping my secret, they have kept you safe.  Two people I trust who have earned it: Mrs. Hudson and Lestrade.  I am not an easy person to put up with (you know this well), yet they do.  Regularly.  They have not betrayed me.  Moriarty recognized how much this meant to me before I did.  Emotion tied to this - Fear/worry.  Their safety depends on my success.  They need me to keep them safe.  Final person I trust: You.  I will not explain further.  There is no need to.  Emotion tied to this - Terror.  Worry.  Fear.  Panic.  Inadequacy.  I must keep you safe.  I cannot fail again._

_-Initial reaction - Devastation.  Cannot explain.  Sense of loss.  Panic.  Fear.  Not rational._

_I write this because I know you and I are the only ones who may ever see it.  And perhaps Mycroft._

_The pattern of these reactions is alarming._

_You are clearly the trigger.  You are the only constant between all five._

_Why?_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

July 16th

_I have presented my findings to Mycroft.  His reaction did not make sense._

_He read what I wrote, stood up from his desk, looked at me.  He looked...emotional.  Mycroft is never emotional.  Yet I could read him better than when he was a child.  He was sad, upset, angry, frustrated and hurt.  For me._

_He walked from behind his desk, ignored his ringing phone and hugged me._

_I let him.  I do not understand what prompted this reaction.  He expected something other than my blank acceptance.  I could see it in his eyes.  I did not know what he thought I should be feeling._

_Did I feel something?_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

July 21st

_Mycroft has not mentioned the journal entries previous.  He looks at me more often.  Long, assessing glances.  He is afraid that the same trigger will re-appear and I will start to slip again._

_I suppose this is a natural concern for a brother who was once a drug addict._

_I shall endeavour to prove to him that I will be all right._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

July 24th

_I feel settled._

_I am ready to work again._

_I have not been to London and will not go before I leave._

_I cannot risk seeing you.  Not when you trigger potentially fatal emotions in me.  I cannot afford to stop, or to fall apart now._

_There is too much work to be done._

_I shall trust that Mary is taking good care of you and that you are happy._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

July 28th

_I am going to the middle east.  This promises to be my largest challenge yet.  I am going after their money now._

_The one thing that could bring the network down, I am now going after._

_I am excited._

 

 

 

 

**  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved writing this chapter. My favorite piece was probably Mycroft's reaction and how Sherlock doesn't understand what is going on. More to come soon!


	8. August

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter wherein Sherlock discovers he hates sand.

 

 

 

August 2nd

_Arrived safely in the Middle East.  Location: Secret until further notice._

_Forgot how much I hate sand._

_How did you put up with it for years?  It gets everywhere!_

_Ugh!_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

August 6th

_I do hate having to thank Mycroft for anything, but he was right in having me brush up on my Arabic._

_There is much work to be done._

_I have redesigned my tracker._

_The paths are becoming clearer as I discover their ending places._

_You were adept at hiding your tracks Moriarty.  Your followers do not have the same expertise.  In a few short years, they have forgotten your lessons._

 

_  
_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

August 9th

_I have to be very careful here.  Under normal circumstances, in normal parts of the world, my appearance is unusual, but there are ways to mute it._

_Here, I stand out very easily._

_Theatre makeup has come in handy.  As has the usual clothing in this part of the world._

_Sand is still getting everywhere.  I hate it._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

August 13th

_I have not mentioned your list since May._

_It was seventy-four then._

_Removing the russian names (Mycroft has eliminated them), and the ones I have managed to discover here have narrowed it down to forty-nine._

_Still too long.  But it is a workable size._

_Mycroft has taken the names and is investigating each of them._

_Perhaps I shall have it down to a written list within a month._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

August 19th

_Today is Mycroft’s birthday._

_I should have told you.  He would have hated to be reminded._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

August 22nd

_Fool!_

_Should have realized!_

_The money does not go to people!_

_It could be tracked if it went to people!_

_Mosques!_

_Brilliant Moriarty, brilliant!  But I have figured it out!_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

August 25th

_Mycroft is impressed._

_I was correct._

_Here, there is no investigation into the wealth of religious organizations._

_It is simply accepted as it is.  (Due to the number of millionaires/billionaires living in such close vicinity it is not shocking for them to have much more money than should be “normal”.)_

_Forgive the metaphor John, but now that we have found the end of the tapestry we can start to unravel it!_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

August 29th

_You proposed to Mary two days ago.  She accepted._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

August 30th

_Molly gave me the news without realizing the effect it would have._

_I felt the spiral coming._

_Mycroft called the second Molly finished speaking with me.  I would not be surprised if he had been listening in on the conversation.  I ignored him._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

August 31st

_I have deleted the above from my hard drive._

_I cannot risk what I have started to build here.  There is too much that is important to risk it._

_I have blocked all thoughts of you._

_I cannot think about you._

_Not anymore._

 

_  
_

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mmmmm. John has proposed to Mary. 
> 
> No other notes besides that really.


	9. September

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He starts to fall all over again.

 

 

 

 

 

September 2nd

_I have moved to Afghanistan for the time being._

_Thoughts of you are everywhere._

_Like the sand.  You are everywhere._

_I cannot escape you._

_I must._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

September 5th

_I am threatening a relapse.  There is nothing I can do to stop it.  (Tried.  Reminders of you are everywhere.  Deleted information re-appears at the worst moments.)_

_There are thousands of mosques in this part of the world._

_I have identified so many of them that money is routed through._

_Many more to discover._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

September 9th

_I will make sure to cross out this entry so Mycroft never reads it._

_He is a genius._

_I did not think of it._

_I should have._

_Your list is now down to five people._

_Five!_

_Mycroft assures me there is now a world-wide manhunt for the man running the Moriarty network.  I have told him that he is in London, guarding and watching you.  Mycroft is not convinced._

_You are that important._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

September 13th

_There is no Mycroft here to keep me from relapsing._

_If I wished to, it would be easy.  The drugs are readily available if you know where to look._

_I have managed to avoid them._

_The promise of not thinking is calling._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

September 17th

_I bought them._

_The tools I need are all sitting on my desk, staring at me._

_The tourniquet, the needles, the drugs._

_They are there.  Waiting for my next moment of weakness._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

September 21st

_They are still sitting on my desk._

_I never told you why I take them.  Took them._

_When you discovered you merely decided not to ask.  I do not understand that.  Why wouldn’t you ask?_

_You were always surprising me._

_For now, the thought of this story is enough to distract me from them._

_I will tell you tomorrow._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

September 22nd

_It’s the ability to do one of two things._

_1) Have my body keep up with my mind for extended periods of time._

_2) Stop thinking._

_Cocaine was always the first._

_Heroin the second._

_I rarely fall victim to the second, but sometimes...sometimes it got to be too much.  When I was younger and had not accepted what I could do.  When I still cared about what people thought of me._

_Cocaine was always my drug of choice.  Always.  I needed to keep up with my mind.  My body always held me back.  The need to eat, to sleep.  Cocaine let me escape that._

_Heroin is, and will be the more dangerous of the two.  It is what sits on my desk.  Staring at me.  Inviting me to stop thinking.  To fall into oblivion for a few short hours.  To not think._

_It tantalizes me John.  The ability not to think for a few hours._

_To not think of you and Mary.  Happy together.  Raising a family.  To escape the knowledge that I will never run through the streets of London with you again.  That I will never see you laugh at me mocking Anderson, or watch bad telly with you again._

_The second I delete the information, it is back again._

_I need oblivion.  It is only a matter of time before I lose this internal battle._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

September 24th

_I have taken to carrying the needle in my pocket in a small case._

_It is there. If memory serves I can have it out of my pocket and riding the high within thirty seconds._

_This comforts me._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

September 28th

_Mycroft has called nine times today. He has not heard from me. He is worried._

_The case bumping lightly against my thigh reminds me of why._

_His concern is unnecessary._

_The needle is still full._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

September 31st

_Spoke with Mycroft today. He is angry I have been ignoring him._

_I don't care._

_He knows I have bought them._

_He also knows that I have yet to take them._

_He reminds me of what I told him once._

_The work is enough._

_It may be. It may not. But the case has left my pocket and returned to the desk._

_For now._

 

 

 

 

 

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock always pushes the limits. Even of himself, and I think this is a classic example. Teasing himself with the drugs he is desperate for by wearing them on his person at any given moment.


	10. October

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moving forward for John.

 

 

 

 

 

October 2nd

_Your list is now four men._

__ Sebastian Moran   
Richard Holbrook   
James Longue    
Geoffrey Stanton

_One of these men is the puppetmaster. He controls all of it. Without him, it falls._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

October 6th

_Those four names stay in my mind twenty-four hours a day.  I cannot stop thinking of them.  Which of them is your sniper?  Who is it?  Who has left you in danger?_

_On the surface, all four of them are dead.  They have death certificates._

_Mycroft and I know better._

_All of them are military._

_All of them are known sharp-shooters, or snipers._

_All of them are English._

_Now to track them down._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

October 9th

_I am still in the Middle East._

_I want to leave, to go home, to find and seek your sniper._

_But..._

_I cannot bear the thought of going home and not telling you._

_Or seeing you with Mary._

_It is better I stay here and leave the searching to Mycroft._

_Heroin is calling my name._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

October 14th

_The number of mosques that have money funneled into them by the Moriarty network possibly number in the thousands._

_I have discovered a hundred or so._

_He picked the perfect place to hide his money.  In a place I cannot track, or follow easily.  But it is easily accessible when it is needed._

_Fool.  Why did I not see this last year?_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

October 19th

_Mycroft says I am alone in this part of the world._

_No government agency is willing to come in here to discover what I have.  That is their nature._

_They are not willing to do what is necessary._

_I will do anything to make sure you stay alive and safe.  Anything._

_Isn’t that what friends do for each other?_

_You’ve killed for me._

_More than once._

_At the very least I can make sure you are safe the live out the rest of your life._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

October 21st

_I am unable to narrow your list down further here.  It requires going back to America.  Back to England.  Neither of which I have any desire to contemplate at the moment._

_America is too big and too far.  I have no desire to go back there at any point.  They care nothing for Moriarty now that he is not in charge.  They don’t care about his battle or who he was fighting with.  All that matters to them is money._

_To go back to England...it means seeing you again._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

October 25th

_It has almost been two years John._

_Two years since I have said a word to you or Billy._

_Two years since I have been home to Baker Street._

_Keep Mrs. Hudson and Lestrade safe, won’t you?_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

October 29th

_The case is back in my pocket._

_It is a comfort._

_To know that oblivion is that close to me if things become too much._

_You and Mycroft are disappointed in me.  I know you are._

_I have not succumbed yet._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

October 31st

_Another commercial holiday._

_At least this one is not made entirely by the greeting card industry.  It is based on history and the wiccan calendar.  All Hallows Eve._

_It used to be our busiest time of year._

_Strange deaths around now were almost common when I left.  I suppose it is still true._

_Lestrade must have his hands full with more unsolved files than he knows what to do with._

_I suspect it will take me months to go through them when I come back._

 

 

 

 

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tantalized you with the thoughts of the list long enough. Now that it is down to only four men, they are who Sherlock must hunt down.
> 
> Also - You guys are getting three chapters since I am going to be non-communicado for the next six days. :) I'll be back with another chapter after that though! I promise! Please comment and let me know what you think as year two starts to draw to a close.


	11. November

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Indecision on what to do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

November 4th

_For the first time in this journey I feel tired. I do not want to be here. Nor do I want to be home in England where Mycroft will interfere._

_I do not think I can come back in two months as I wish to._

_Your sniper has managed twenty-two months without having his name discovered._

_The likelihood that I or Mycroft will have discovered his identity in two months is highly improbable._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

November 5th

_Guy Fawkes Day is a holiday we should remember._

_It is a day that means something._

_It represents freedom._

_Also - Mycroft hates it. He does not like the idea of his precious British Government being blown to bits._

_I like it even more._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

November 11th

_I am torn._

_Go home._

_Stay here._

_Go home and be with Mycroft. Get absorbed in bringing down the network in front of us._

_Run and continue my mission. Go to America. Stay here and discover more mosques._

_Or...?_

_Both are the means to an end. They both end with me returning to Baker Street alone again._

_I need a third option._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

November 15th

_Still stagnant. Mycroft is insisting I come home._

_I don't want to._

 

 

 

 

_  
_

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a reason this chapter is so short, but I won't spoil it for you! You find out why in the next chapter! 
> 
> Please comment if you get a chance! I would love to hear what you all think of it!


	12. December

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finishing off the end of year two.

****

****

****

****

December 18th

_The choice was made for me._

_I was shot._

_Not by anyone from the Moriarty network._

_By a terrorist group who hoped to take advantage of an English national living in the middle east._

_Mycroft had me evacuated immediately._

_They had only wanted to incapacitated me. I was shot in my right thigh._

_The irony that this is the same leg you have a psychosomatic limp in does not escape me._

_I am currently residing in our (Mycroft’s) country estate once again._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

December 20th

_Mycroft found the case.  He looked at it for a long time before handing it back to me._

_Felt the urge to tell him I had not used it._

_Didn’t bother.  He would have recognized the symptoms of withdrawal if I had._

_While I am bed-ridden I have placed it under my pillow to keep it nearby._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

December 22nd

_It snowed outside._

_I wondered if your leg was bothering you._

_Realized it wasn’t my business to wonder that anymore - it was Mary’s._

_Decided not think about what I want to get you for Christmas._

_That’s her job now too._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

December 24th

_Mycroft allowed me to have my laptop._

_I want to walk around._

_Apparently it isn’t safe yet._

_It’s Christmas Eve and it’s snowing outside._

_Are you inside and cuddled up in front of the fire with Mary?_

_You always liked celebrating the holidays with friends._

_I should work on your list while I am confined here to England and to this house._

_These are the four men I must track down._

_Sebastian Moran  
Richard Holbrook  
James Longue   
Geoffrey Stanton_

_I must find them.  I will find them._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

December 25th

_I have stolen Mycroft’s best scotch and have locked the door to my room.  I intend to spend Christmas in proper style._

_Happy Christmas John._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

December 28th

_Bored._

_Went for a walk around the grounds._

_Had to use a cane._

_Thought of you._

_Still bored._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

December 30th

_Once again I have underestimated the amount of time that it will take to bring down the Moriarty network and find your sniper.  I have four names._

_Only four, and yet I have no answer._

_Another year is over John._

_I saw you on CCTV yesterday, coming home from the clinic with Mary._

_She’s pregnant._

_She’s going to tell you tomorrow._

 

 

 

 

 

 

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes. 
> 
> I leave it there.
> 
> I am evil. I know. 
> 
> I love you guys too! Please comment and let me know what you think!

**Author's Note:**

> Hate it? Love it? Did I have someone remove their shirt twice? Let me know!
> 
> Comments and Criticisms welcome!
> 
> You can find me here: http://aria-lerendeair.tumblr.com/
> 
> You can also watch me write fics like this (and dozens of others) live! Follow me on Livestream for fics, shenanigans and a general all-around awesome time! http://new.livestream.com/accounts/7212317


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